What do you do when you hit a stumble along your mutual journey? So many things when not dealt with effectively have the ability to become obstacles in the road before you. Is your journey currently in the express lane or are you on a rocky mountain climb to the top of a never ending mountain? So we ask ourselves, how do we get down from the mountain top onto the highway?
People are often at a loss for practical steps to solving common relationship issues relating to commitment, co-habiting, shared property, children, and romance to include affection, love, and sex. While there are other problem areas, these in my experience have been the most common and often most difficult. The majority of relationship problems listed above are solved by effectively evaluating the communication methods that are being employed. Dissatisfaction is almost entirely the result of miscommunication. We come down off the mountain by asking questions to get the directions. Directions have to be communicated clearly by the other party.
We become better communicators to others by first becoming better listeners ourselves. Good listening techniques include allowing the other person to say what they have to say completely without interrupting, having the ability to repeat what was said, and asking related questions to clarify information. When you have completed this it is appropriate to use an empathetic or acknowledgment statement such as, “I see where you are coming from.” Or “I understand how you feel.” Do not follow this statement with “But or However.” ***Remember*** you want to have a conversation, not an argument.
After we have listened to the other person and helped them communicate their feelings, problems, or issues we then expect the same in return. If they do not ask, volunteer how you feel about the problem but without blaming them or minimizing their issue. Transitioning to a resolution is the next step. Make sure you both have said everything that needs to be said. Emphasize your willingness to work this problem out and your willingness to help. Make sure you continue to validate each other with positive statements. Mutually outline steps for action to correct the problem and then make sure you honor what you have agreed upon. If one person completely falls through on the actions agreed upon then you either need to repeat this process until it works out or you might reconsider your reasons for being in a relationship with the other person. Effective communication takes practice and does not happen overnight or all at once; recognizing this is an important first step to improvement.
Getting down off your mountain and back to civilization can be a long process. However, consider that it took quite a hike to get up their in the first place. Realize that your decisions that you have made through this process have been guiding it to where it is up to this point. If you find yourself walking in circles; doing the same thing over and over again, try a different direction. Break the cycle. If you always do what you’ve always done; you’ll always get what you’ve always got. While it is perhaps the hardest thing to do you need to look inside and determine what effect your actions have had on the situation. Have you been completely honest? Do you have a clear idea of what your needs are? Do you expect the other person to “make you happy?” The path to the highway will probably be covered in brush until you clear it off.
There is also a flip side to all this which is quite different than being on a mountain, or ledge, and that is being stuck in a valley. When you or your partner is seemingly in a state where there is nothing “bad” happening, and yet still not a lot of good happening, you are both stuck in the valley. And instead of climbing off the mountain you have to climb out of the valley to the highland. (Yes, the highway is located on the highland.) The “valley effect” is a common problem for people who have often grown very used to the way things are. They have developed habits that reinforce the same status-quo. Old habits die hard. Again, you have to make a decision about the communication level. Is it enough? Are you talking about important topics? Do you feel like your conversation is always about the same things? The best advice is to try to bring up some new topics of discussion and then employ effective listening and communication techniques.
There are times in which you are going to have to sell the idea in order to get where you need to go. Think of this as setting up a popcorn stand along the path to the highway. You need to attract your customer and make the sale in order to stay in business. This is a great technique/skill to employ when trying to work out logistical issues. I’ll give you “x” if you give me “y.” You have to take the initiative to negotiate your future or you’ll be left behind. Allowing a pattern in which you are not making your own decisions will create a cycle of dependence on the other person. You will either willingly or unwillingly invite in controlling behavior if you do not manage issue. It would be the same as having your popcorn stolen from your stand over and over again because you did not lock it up at night.
There is no such thing as a simple solution to your problem but there are the above techniques to try if you find yourself in these situations. The most important thing to remember when you are trying to reach resolution to a problem is to STAY CALM! You will have your best wits about you and the most opportunity to understand yourself and the other person when you consciously step aside, put yourself together, do your homework, and remain a calm adult. You simply have to believe that you can do it and the answers to your relationships woes will become clear, biding it’s fixable.
Remember to keep the road clear and the popcorn flowing!
LastManOut
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