Never Mind Me

I'm stressing lately for over many things. I feel like we are moving in that inevitable direction in which relationships are just getting to the point that things are going to change without anyone even really noticing. New things are emerging, such as the addition of Doris to the family, and some old things seem to have faded. I'm never really satisfied. This is the downside to having ambition. When you want things to continuously be better, you pay the price of never really being satisfied in the present. Looking to the future is some people's specialy. I suppose I've been peering into the crystal ball a little bit more lately. As always I see love in someone's future, the loss of it for someone else. I see magnificent things happening in the month of November. I see October as a time of atonement, best be on your guard for gobblins! I'm worried that things will not come out smoothly as we enter the New Year.

The planets are bitch slapping one another and Jupiter thinks Saturn's a Queen. What more can I say?

I'm starting to wear in my age.

Tree Joke

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker , you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

The Nationality of Jesus

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went in to His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

The Wizard of Oz

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."
"No Problem!" said the Wiz! ard. "Who' s next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done!" says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?
Up stepped Bush and said,
"Well, I'm told by some people that I need a brain."
"No problem," said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

Abstinence

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower." "The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly. The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church." "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."