Forgiveness

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were completely reminded of something at random that happened in the past?

Recently, I was blindsided by a past memory in high school. Frankly, I was just minding my own business helping a customer at work and the past decided to pick on me. There was nothing about that moment at all that should have triggered that memory. And, as small a moment as it was, it echoes through the halls of my history as a staunch reminder of how I deal with certain situations in my life.

Sophomore year of high school was the beginning of my academic career at St. Lawrence Seminary. My high school, small Catholic, all boys, boarding school, among other things, was a place in which to deepen ones spiritual connection with God and explore your own vocational calling. Discernment is to say the least a messy process. No one in my opinion just "knows" that you are going to be a priest, and if you were so firmly convinced of that, St. Lawrence made sure you knew there are options.

However, there are some things at my high school which are not optional. There is no option for example for girls to attend St. Lawrence. As a gay man, I could care less one way or another on that issue, unlike many of my more enlightened, seemingly feminist, classmates. (I am being sarcastic.) There is a host of rules that one must abide by and keeping all of the little ones strait is task enough because not all of them apply at all times. Which brings me to my point of contention: at St. Lawrence you are forbidden to wear any sort of hat indoors. Though, it is highly encouraged that you wear one outdoors in the winter. The latter needs little enforcement in Mt. Calvary, WI.

One blustery day my sophomore year of high school I was preparing to go outside and I put my stocking cap on in the lounge before I went out the first set of double doors to go outside. Fr Randy, our dorm prefect, was nearby and starkly reminded me that there are no hats in doors. I protested some and explained that I was very nearly out the door. After a bit of disapproval for his impudence, I was obliged to remove my cap. As I descended the stairs to the outer door I put my cap on but a few feet from the door. Fr Randy had in fact followed me to make sure that I didn't put it on. He then made me remove my stocking cap again but a few feet from the door, which I was clearly exiting.

Why am I concerned about this moment?

Fr. Randy was not motivated to truly improve student behavior, but rather to nit pick in the most annoying fashion. His motivation was to have some sport at my expense. I know this man took particular joy in lording this over me. I have never forgiven him for this. The only thing that I wanted out of this entire situation was to have my head warm before it met ice cold air. I think it particularly pernicious of Fr. Randy to insist upon otherwise.

This is a fine example of the extremes that the faculty at my high school regularly went to at length.

I cannot image any parent of any of the guys at my high school being worried over whether one of them momentarily had a stocking cap on before they went outside. It was a completely ridiculous humiliation that Fr. Randy decided to thrust upon me. I have never forgiven him for this. I will never be able to understand how someone can be that petty and insistent. This small rather stupid little moment in my past is important because it shows directly how personal liberty is chipped off at one piece at a time, bit by bit, so that you are left with nothing more than a mere pebble of liberty.

The point of this article is not to address the merits of hat wearing or liberty, but to confront the particular guilt I have for holding this angst against Fr. Randy all these years. We should forgive people; at least, that is the predominant opinion. This little story was an opportunity in my past to say to him, "Fr. Randy technically you are right I have violated the rules and I am sorry." Instead, I have projected very much hostility onto this man over something that, forgetting whatever motivations he had, I could have very gracefully obliged. This however, is not like me at all. I would rather fight, argue my point, and win. Had Fr. Randy and I been in a different place at a different time, I would have mopped the floor with him on this intrusion of personal liberty. However, the faculty at my high school had really dirty little tricks at their disposal and something like the hat rule was not a matter in which one cares to be victim to detention, community service, and a host of other lost privileges.

I can tell you I persist in my un-forgiveness for this reason. Fr. Randy has never apologized and I suspect never will. You cannot forgive those who will not be forgiven. You are thus obliged to maintain your position and let it rub you for whatever it is worth that you may not be victim to such an occurrence again.