Poem 12-20-2004

That first time, before you knew me,
When you tossed me that look, nonchalantly,
You walked right passed. I didn't think you noticed,
My wide-eyed glare - as you grimmiced.
It was never more than a moment's time,
Passing quickly, this little passion crime,
The thought was innocent enough,
I just wanted to fool around and stuff.
It's so trite to say, "I loved you then." But,
Without this moment; It's hard to see how;
I could ever be so happy, at this time, in this moment, now.

My Merry Christmas

Greetings,

This past weekend I had the pleasure of meeting a fine young man. And, in many ways, the past day really has been one of the more magical beginnings of the holidays in times of late. However difficult it may be for me to express this, I am happy.

There are so many memories here. Four years ago I had my first experience of real passion just two doors down from my front door here on George St. The Reader's Loft was having a poetry reading and T*** had invited me to come along. It was beyond imagination that we would spend the time basking in the poetry and then holding hands leading to a kiss. As a gay man, this little affair with a woman stands out because it really was the only one of its kind. And, in that way, T*** will have always stolen a little bit of my heart. I remember that fall very vividly. All of the emotions of trying to sort out a portion of who I am that would ultimately become one of, if not, the most important personal decision of my life. T*** and I had sex after Christmas that year, the day we returned from Christmas break. I told Meg I was gay the next day, and the rest is the rumors that everyone talks about.

Things have always moved fast for me. 2001, in terms of my love life, was quite the year. I did much more than get my feet wet. I met the first love of my life. Many of you know who that was; I will not mention names because I think he deserves that respect. I met this guy right before Christmas just as finals were beginning and we had our first date on 17th of Dec. It was a Tuesday if I recall correctly. To tell you the truth, I do not entirely remember exactly what we did that evening. I know that at some point we wound up driving through Bellevue and watching Christmas lights. It was a magical evening, and I hardly think I was ever glowing as much as I had that evening. It was the beginnings to a story book, with an ending in 2003, which I would not have believed if someone had told me at the time. The Christmas of 2001 really was magical, I was in love. A*** and I spent our first night together on New Year's Eve. I was staying with Suzanne that Christmas and T***, mentioned above, was her roommate. T*** was back in Chicago for the Holidays. It is ironic that I would embrace A*** in what was her bedroom. I marvel at how all of this is so seamlessly connected. A*** and I were not meant to be. I do not think I have really let go of this until now.

I have no desire to long for my first love anymore, though he will always be my first true love, that person who changed me in more ways than I could possibly count. I am a stronger person for being in that relationship. It is completely irrational that I should think that attempts at other relationships are invaluable simply because they ended up not working out. This man I met this weekend, TJ, I wish I could just capture the memory and leave it just as it is right now. I do not want it to change or fade or be thrown away. It meant something to me that he seems to care very dearly for others. In fact, and I am not sure why, I believe him when he bestows me with a complement. He is not disingenuous. I love kissing him. His lips are full and his smile is so pronounced that you can feel him when he smiles, without even seeing it. Our bodies fit together in a way that I have never encountered before. It is better than ecstasy. This weekend before Christmas is a familiar echo of a Christmas past. I truly hope these Christmas tidings are the hallmark of my new year.

As unholy as all this will sound to many, unseemly to attach to Christmas, I could not image a more perfect Christmas gift than the gift of love. Love in whatever form it should take, by whatever you take it to mean. Christmas is Merry because we love one another, because we celebrate the love of our savior among men. We hope for peace, and we cherish love. For love, we have in infinite abundance.

Finishing Up Loose Ends

The end of my college career is fast approaching with only a few more classes left. I have more papers to finish than any one person could possibly do. I think it's starting to get to me. I'm a bit demoralized. Actually, I'm not frantic like I should be. I'm calm. I've made peace with it all. I've moved into the stage of acceptance way before I need to.

How to become frantic?

Just start thinking about your student loans.

Other than school there is a whole lot of nothing going on in my life. I'm taking a little vacation from work, I auditioned for the musical, declined my role (whole 'nother story), and I still haven't really tackled my Peace Core application. I've been brain storming for jobs. I think I want to do something in music part time for a little while. I suppose for me that probably means doing a little church shopping. I might rent a piano and start composing some things and see if I can get something published. That is one of those long terms goals I haven't really been very aggressive with.

Peace Out

Josh

Dusting Off Hope

The last four years of my life have really done little in terms of giving me hope for the future. Really, there are few things that have really kept me going. The last 24 months or so have been particularily difficult for me, as many of you may know. After being dumped by my long-term boyfriend, many of my close friends graduating and moving away, a few meaningless sexual encounters, finally comming out to my family, several disappointments in terms of my personal goals, and flunking out of several classes because of severe depression I'm not left with much to work with. I am damaged goods. That is not even an underestimation.

Hope is supposed to be that thing that is there when nothing else is. When everything is empty and forsaken that one glimer of goodness, the assurance of goodness, is supposed to drive you to believe, to fight, and to work for change. While some of tradegies above might be considered personal succeses by some, most often for their mere occurance, none of them were carried out by myself with any sort of personal integrity. Many of those decisions were made irrationally, especially the way in which I came out to my mother. I am not sure that I if was faced with those same decisions today that I would make the same choices. I am well aware that I cannot change the past. However, over my future I have nearly absolute control.

What am I going to do to change my life right now? Tomorrow? The next day? Next week?

Those who know me well know that I procastinate not because I am overly lazy, but often because I am confused or conflicted over what to do. I do not see things in black and white, I can certainly say that having been in many of the situations in which I have been in, in my life, I can see not just shades of gray, but color too. You know when you are drawing and you have to switch from pencil or charcoal to using color there is a considerable amout of change that one must go through. One's work becomes much more realistic and in terms of creating art choosing which color, hue, or shade to use in a particular situation is a complicated choice. That color, in general, has to work with all the other colors and complement or contrast accordingly. How do the choices that I make work together to make a whole?

If you were to look at my life as if it was a painting I am sure that, however interesting the image, it would leave the viewer a bit troubled and disconcerted. Here is a young man with so many goals and aspirations and yet he often does little to really become engaged in those activities. Somestimes I think that it is simply the changing of times that have refocused me into who I am now. There is truth in this, rather than changing the times, the times have changed me. This is herein where the problem lies. I have too often chose to be a lesser something simply to be a part of things than to really work towards that which will fufill the needs of who I am.

I am at heart those things that I frequently associate with myself. An aspiring Lawyer, a musician, and a kind friend. These are the things that I want to be. Why am I constantly doing things that accomplish none of these?

FEAR

Fear is antithetical to hope. Whereas hope propells man to accomplish great things, fear drives mankind to acts of desperation. Fear is in many ways the absence of hope and this particular realizaiton is applicable to my current affairs. I work in banking becuase it is a job, a job that is safe and requires minimal personal risk in comparason to other lifestyles. I chose this profession for these reasons. I do not particualarily enjoy or dislike my job, it is what it is, a steady, safe, and pratical application of my skills as a worker.

You gain nothing without risk.

If I want hope to return to my life I need very much start taking some risks again. The problem with growing slightly older is that you are slightly more aware of just what the risks are. When you enter college you have very little notion that there are real risks associated with your choices. Indeed, what you choose will often determine how successful you are. I have made some ill-informed and ill-advised choices in these last 4 years. No wonder I feel hopeless.

Hope, I am told, will always be there.

So now that I again face crossroads in my life with little conviction as to where I am to go, It is necessary for me to take on new risks. My response to that necessity will wholly determine how hopeful my future is. I advocate personal choice and repsonsibillity not because I am particuarily good at it, but because in the end it is the only thing that really works.