My Merry Christmas

Greetings,

This past weekend I had the pleasure of meeting a fine young man. And, in many ways, the past day really has been one of the more magical beginnings of the holidays in times of late. However difficult it may be for me to express this, I am happy.

There are so many memories here. Four years ago I had my first experience of real passion just two doors down from my front door here on George St. The Reader's Loft was having a poetry reading and T*** had invited me to come along. It was beyond imagination that we would spend the time basking in the poetry and then holding hands leading to a kiss. As a gay man, this little affair with a woman stands out because it really was the only one of its kind. And, in that way, T*** will have always stolen a little bit of my heart. I remember that fall very vividly. All of the emotions of trying to sort out a portion of who I am that would ultimately become one of, if not, the most important personal decision of my life. T*** and I had sex after Christmas that year, the day we returned from Christmas break. I told Meg I was gay the next day, and the rest is the rumors that everyone talks about.

Things have always moved fast for me. 2001, in terms of my love life, was quite the year. I did much more than get my feet wet. I met the first love of my life. Many of you know who that was; I will not mention names because I think he deserves that respect. I met this guy right before Christmas just as finals were beginning and we had our first date on 17th of Dec. It was a Tuesday if I recall correctly. To tell you the truth, I do not entirely remember exactly what we did that evening. I know that at some point we wound up driving through Bellevue and watching Christmas lights. It was a magical evening, and I hardly think I was ever glowing as much as I had that evening. It was the beginnings to a story book, with an ending in 2003, which I would not have believed if someone had told me at the time. The Christmas of 2001 really was magical, I was in love. A*** and I spent our first night together on New Year's Eve. I was staying with Suzanne that Christmas and T***, mentioned above, was her roommate. T*** was back in Chicago for the Holidays. It is ironic that I would embrace A*** in what was her bedroom. I marvel at how all of this is so seamlessly connected. A*** and I were not meant to be. I do not think I have really let go of this until now.

I have no desire to long for my first love anymore, though he will always be my first true love, that person who changed me in more ways than I could possibly count. I am a stronger person for being in that relationship. It is completely irrational that I should think that attempts at other relationships are invaluable simply because they ended up not working out. This man I met this weekend, TJ, I wish I could just capture the memory and leave it just as it is right now. I do not want it to change or fade or be thrown away. It meant something to me that he seems to care very dearly for others. In fact, and I am not sure why, I believe him when he bestows me with a complement. He is not disingenuous. I love kissing him. His lips are full and his smile is so pronounced that you can feel him when he smiles, without even seeing it. Our bodies fit together in a way that I have never encountered before. It is better than ecstasy. This weekend before Christmas is a familiar echo of a Christmas past. I truly hope these Christmas tidings are the hallmark of my new year.

As unholy as all this will sound to many, unseemly to attach to Christmas, I could not image a more perfect Christmas gift than the gift of love. Love in whatever form it should take, by whatever you take it to mean. Christmas is Merry because we love one another, because we celebrate the love of our savior among men. We hope for peace, and we cherish love. For love, we have in infinite abundance.