Poem 12-20-2004

That first time, before you knew me,
When you tossed me that look, nonchalantly,
You walked right passed. I didn't think you noticed,
My wide-eyed glare - as you grimmiced.
It was never more than a moment's time,
Passing quickly, this little passion crime,
The thought was innocent enough,
I just wanted to fool around and stuff.
It's so trite to say, "I loved you then." But,
Without this moment; It's hard to see how;
I could ever be so happy, at this time, in this moment, now.

My Merry Christmas

Greetings,

This past weekend I had the pleasure of meeting a fine young man. And, in many ways, the past day really has been one of the more magical beginnings of the holidays in times of late. However difficult it may be for me to express this, I am happy.

There are so many memories here. Four years ago I had my first experience of real passion just two doors down from my front door here on George St. The Reader's Loft was having a poetry reading and T*** had invited me to come along. It was beyond imagination that we would spend the time basking in the poetry and then holding hands leading to a kiss. As a gay man, this little affair with a woman stands out because it really was the only one of its kind. And, in that way, T*** will have always stolen a little bit of my heart. I remember that fall very vividly. All of the emotions of trying to sort out a portion of who I am that would ultimately become one of, if not, the most important personal decision of my life. T*** and I had sex after Christmas that year, the day we returned from Christmas break. I told Meg I was gay the next day, and the rest is the rumors that everyone talks about.

Things have always moved fast for me. 2001, in terms of my love life, was quite the year. I did much more than get my feet wet. I met the first love of my life. Many of you know who that was; I will not mention names because I think he deserves that respect. I met this guy right before Christmas just as finals were beginning and we had our first date on 17th of Dec. It was a Tuesday if I recall correctly. To tell you the truth, I do not entirely remember exactly what we did that evening. I know that at some point we wound up driving through Bellevue and watching Christmas lights. It was a magical evening, and I hardly think I was ever glowing as much as I had that evening. It was the beginnings to a story book, with an ending in 2003, which I would not have believed if someone had told me at the time. The Christmas of 2001 really was magical, I was in love. A*** and I spent our first night together on New Year's Eve. I was staying with Suzanne that Christmas and T***, mentioned above, was her roommate. T*** was back in Chicago for the Holidays. It is ironic that I would embrace A*** in what was her bedroom. I marvel at how all of this is so seamlessly connected. A*** and I were not meant to be. I do not think I have really let go of this until now.

I have no desire to long for my first love anymore, though he will always be my first true love, that person who changed me in more ways than I could possibly count. I am a stronger person for being in that relationship. It is completely irrational that I should think that attempts at other relationships are invaluable simply because they ended up not working out. This man I met this weekend, TJ, I wish I could just capture the memory and leave it just as it is right now. I do not want it to change or fade or be thrown away. It meant something to me that he seems to care very dearly for others. In fact, and I am not sure why, I believe him when he bestows me with a complement. He is not disingenuous. I love kissing him. His lips are full and his smile is so pronounced that you can feel him when he smiles, without even seeing it. Our bodies fit together in a way that I have never encountered before. It is better than ecstasy. This weekend before Christmas is a familiar echo of a Christmas past. I truly hope these Christmas tidings are the hallmark of my new year.

As unholy as all this will sound to many, unseemly to attach to Christmas, I could not image a more perfect Christmas gift than the gift of love. Love in whatever form it should take, by whatever you take it to mean. Christmas is Merry because we love one another, because we celebrate the love of our savior among men. We hope for peace, and we cherish love. For love, we have in infinite abundance.

Finishing Up Loose Ends

The end of my college career is fast approaching with only a few more classes left. I have more papers to finish than any one person could possibly do. I think it's starting to get to me. I'm a bit demoralized. Actually, I'm not frantic like I should be. I'm calm. I've made peace with it all. I've moved into the stage of acceptance way before I need to.

How to become frantic?

Just start thinking about your student loans.

Other than school there is a whole lot of nothing going on in my life. I'm taking a little vacation from work, I auditioned for the musical, declined my role (whole 'nother story), and I still haven't really tackled my Peace Core application. I've been brain storming for jobs. I think I want to do something in music part time for a little while. I suppose for me that probably means doing a little church shopping. I might rent a piano and start composing some things and see if I can get something published. That is one of those long terms goals I haven't really been very aggressive with.

Peace Out

Josh

Dusting Off Hope

The last four years of my life have really done little in terms of giving me hope for the future. Really, there are few things that have really kept me going. The last 24 months or so have been particularily difficult for me, as many of you may know. After being dumped by my long-term boyfriend, many of my close friends graduating and moving away, a few meaningless sexual encounters, finally comming out to my family, several disappointments in terms of my personal goals, and flunking out of several classes because of severe depression I'm not left with much to work with. I am damaged goods. That is not even an underestimation.

Hope is supposed to be that thing that is there when nothing else is. When everything is empty and forsaken that one glimer of goodness, the assurance of goodness, is supposed to drive you to believe, to fight, and to work for change. While some of tradegies above might be considered personal succeses by some, most often for their mere occurance, none of them were carried out by myself with any sort of personal integrity. Many of those decisions were made irrationally, especially the way in which I came out to my mother. I am not sure that I if was faced with those same decisions today that I would make the same choices. I am well aware that I cannot change the past. However, over my future I have nearly absolute control.

What am I going to do to change my life right now? Tomorrow? The next day? Next week?

Those who know me well know that I procastinate not because I am overly lazy, but often because I am confused or conflicted over what to do. I do not see things in black and white, I can certainly say that having been in many of the situations in which I have been in, in my life, I can see not just shades of gray, but color too. You know when you are drawing and you have to switch from pencil or charcoal to using color there is a considerable amout of change that one must go through. One's work becomes much more realistic and in terms of creating art choosing which color, hue, or shade to use in a particular situation is a complicated choice. That color, in general, has to work with all the other colors and complement or contrast accordingly. How do the choices that I make work together to make a whole?

If you were to look at my life as if it was a painting I am sure that, however interesting the image, it would leave the viewer a bit troubled and disconcerted. Here is a young man with so many goals and aspirations and yet he often does little to really become engaged in those activities. Somestimes I think that it is simply the changing of times that have refocused me into who I am now. There is truth in this, rather than changing the times, the times have changed me. This is herein where the problem lies. I have too often chose to be a lesser something simply to be a part of things than to really work towards that which will fufill the needs of who I am.

I am at heart those things that I frequently associate with myself. An aspiring Lawyer, a musician, and a kind friend. These are the things that I want to be. Why am I constantly doing things that accomplish none of these?

FEAR

Fear is antithetical to hope. Whereas hope propells man to accomplish great things, fear drives mankind to acts of desperation. Fear is in many ways the absence of hope and this particular realizaiton is applicable to my current affairs. I work in banking becuase it is a job, a job that is safe and requires minimal personal risk in comparason to other lifestyles. I chose this profession for these reasons. I do not particualarily enjoy or dislike my job, it is what it is, a steady, safe, and pratical application of my skills as a worker.

You gain nothing without risk.

If I want hope to return to my life I need very much start taking some risks again. The problem with growing slightly older is that you are slightly more aware of just what the risks are. When you enter college you have very little notion that there are real risks associated with your choices. Indeed, what you choose will often determine how successful you are. I have made some ill-informed and ill-advised choices in these last 4 years. No wonder I feel hopeless.

Hope, I am told, will always be there.

So now that I again face crossroads in my life with little conviction as to where I am to go, It is necessary for me to take on new risks. My response to that necessity will wholly determine how hopeful my future is. I advocate personal choice and repsonsibillity not because I am particuarily good at it, but because in the end it is the only thing that really works.

Hymnody

Hymnody, for the benefit of non-musicians, is the art of either composing or singing hymns or also the entirety of the genre itself. Hymnody is perhaps my very most favorite genre. Hymnology, the study and classification of hymns, is my most tireless pastime. In fact, there are few hymns that I ever tire of.

Let us examine what is and what is not a hymn, strictly speaking. In the liturgical setting it is common to call any religious song a hymn. This is not the case. A hymn traditionally speaking is a four part setting of a poetic text usually based on scripture and other elements of tradition. Protestant hymns tend to be based more exclusively on the Bible. However, "revival hymns" and Gospel as a whole do not necessarily dictate so. Catholics have few good hymns that they did not rip off from Protestants, namely Bach and Wesley. Some hymns are more common in certain denominations than others, and style varies greatly.

What is not a hymn? The harmonization of a hymn is essentially what distinguishes it from a song. Hymns' harmonic structure generally follows exact rules of voice leading and harmonization. There are of coarse numerous exceptions to this generalization and no one particular hymn is "perfect," even Bach's. The other key element of a hymn is that it is composed almost exclusively for choral singing. Songs, however popular and moving they may be, do not compare to hymns in terms of their musical creativity. Songs are generally, almost always, verse and refrain in form. There is an occasional ballad thrown in the mix, but generally these are not meant for congregational or choral singing. Songs often draw from folk traditions and are far less structured than the setting of a hymn.

So why do I have this superiority complex with regard to my liturgical music? I find it degrading as a musician to be asked to play and sing that which is rather uninteresting, mundane, and often over simplified in terms of its harmonic structure. While various songs may have untold spiritual value, they are decidedly trite with regards to how most of them approach harmony. I wish to be challenged and to challenge others to contemplate how many different voices, complex harmonies, and general musical continuity are the model for how Christendom is supposed to function. The degradation and disuse of the hymn, as it is frequently cast aside for something more new and showy, will inevitably leave us with a Church of little substance, depth, and meaning.

The hymn is in my humble opinion perhaps the greatest expression of the love of Christ in music. Hymns by design have an ordered plan and a loving creator. The words that we sing and the way that we sing them mean so very much, so very much even beyond ourselves. Hymns are a hopeful music, and it is this virtue to which we should direct our diremost attention.

Why we should do things different

"Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting change, is the very definition of insanity."

Forgiveness

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were completely reminded of something at random that happened in the past?

Recently, I was blindsided by a past memory in high school. Frankly, I was just minding my own business helping a customer at work and the past decided to pick on me. There was nothing about that moment at all that should have triggered that memory. And, as small a moment as it was, it echoes through the halls of my history as a staunch reminder of how I deal with certain situations in my life.

Sophomore year of high school was the beginning of my academic career at St. Lawrence Seminary. My high school, small Catholic, all boys, boarding school, among other things, was a place in which to deepen ones spiritual connection with God and explore your own vocational calling. Discernment is to say the least a messy process. No one in my opinion just "knows" that you are going to be a priest, and if you were so firmly convinced of that, St. Lawrence made sure you knew there are options.

However, there are some things at my high school which are not optional. There is no option for example for girls to attend St. Lawrence. As a gay man, I could care less one way or another on that issue, unlike many of my more enlightened, seemingly feminist, classmates. (I am being sarcastic.) There is a host of rules that one must abide by and keeping all of the little ones strait is task enough because not all of them apply at all times. Which brings me to my point of contention: at St. Lawrence you are forbidden to wear any sort of hat indoors. Though, it is highly encouraged that you wear one outdoors in the winter. The latter needs little enforcement in Mt. Calvary, WI.

One blustery day my sophomore year of high school I was preparing to go outside and I put my stocking cap on in the lounge before I went out the first set of double doors to go outside. Fr Randy, our dorm prefect, was nearby and starkly reminded me that there are no hats in doors. I protested some and explained that I was very nearly out the door. After a bit of disapproval for his impudence, I was obliged to remove my cap. As I descended the stairs to the outer door I put my cap on but a few feet from the door. Fr Randy had in fact followed me to make sure that I didn't put it on. He then made me remove my stocking cap again but a few feet from the door, which I was clearly exiting.

Why am I concerned about this moment?

Fr. Randy was not motivated to truly improve student behavior, but rather to nit pick in the most annoying fashion. His motivation was to have some sport at my expense. I know this man took particular joy in lording this over me. I have never forgiven him for this. The only thing that I wanted out of this entire situation was to have my head warm before it met ice cold air. I think it particularly pernicious of Fr. Randy to insist upon otherwise.

This is a fine example of the extremes that the faculty at my high school regularly went to at length.

I cannot image any parent of any of the guys at my high school being worried over whether one of them momentarily had a stocking cap on before they went outside. It was a completely ridiculous humiliation that Fr. Randy decided to thrust upon me. I have never forgiven him for this. I will never be able to understand how someone can be that petty and insistent. This small rather stupid little moment in my past is important because it shows directly how personal liberty is chipped off at one piece at a time, bit by bit, so that you are left with nothing more than a mere pebble of liberty.

The point of this article is not to address the merits of hat wearing or liberty, but to confront the particular guilt I have for holding this angst against Fr. Randy all these years. We should forgive people; at least, that is the predominant opinion. This little story was an opportunity in my past to say to him, "Fr. Randy technically you are right I have violated the rules and I am sorry." Instead, I have projected very much hostility onto this man over something that, forgetting whatever motivations he had, I could have very gracefully obliged. This however, is not like me at all. I would rather fight, argue my point, and win. Had Fr. Randy and I been in a different place at a different time, I would have mopped the floor with him on this intrusion of personal liberty. However, the faculty at my high school had really dirty little tricks at their disposal and something like the hat rule was not a matter in which one cares to be victim to detention, community service, and a host of other lost privileges.

I can tell you I persist in my un-forgiveness for this reason. Fr. Randy has never apologized and I suspect never will. You cannot forgive those who will not be forgiven. You are thus obliged to maintain your position and let it rub you for whatever it is worth that you may not be victim to such an occurrence again.

Open Wounds

We have business to get down to now that the election is over. The problem with government is that by the time that we all really start in on making our rhetoric a reality, three months will have passed. Congress will convene on January 20, 2005. Before then we will have our post election planning (that one would have hoped could have happened before the election), Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, MLK Jr. Day (Jan. 19), and the Presidential inauguration to name just a few. There will be mindless shopping and shameless consumerism. Everything will be made to appear just as it has always been.

Yet, This year will be different.

We have witnessed on our televisions, new papers, magazines, and electronic media the killing of hundreds of America's own. According to Iraq Coalition Casualty Count, as of yesterday Nov. 10th, 1,293 military casualties have occurred. That is one thousand two hundred ninety three sons and daughters that will not be coming home this holiday season or ever again except in a body bag.

Merry Christmas.

The civilian casualties in Iraq are estimated to be between 14,000 and 16,000 according to Iraq Body Count. Numbers are numbers and they are always disputable, however, when you consider we have just shy of 140,000 troops in Iraq, 15,000 or so civilian deaths doesn't seem unlikely. We are currently engaged what is called "nation building" in Iraq. Nation building is a nice euphemism for insurgents and the military bombing the hell out of stuff. Iraq is a modern war. However "modern" it may be, war by its very conception involves killing people and destroying property. Real nation building does not use guns.

If the death toll keeps steady through January we can expect that between 120 and 180 U. S. Soldiers will die. (total # dead [1293] divided by total months in Iraq to date [21] = 61.57 deaths per month on average) From the date of election Nov. 2 to Jan. 20 the date Congress convenes we will have lived through roughly three more months. 3 * 60 = 180

Happy New Year.

180 could be higher, especially with the attacks on Fallujah.

Happy MLK day.

War leaves wounds. Wounds leave scars.

I have a proposal for our lawmakers.

Get your asses to Washington and do something now. You should be there. You should be involved in the process of this war because you approved it. All your Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and congratulations on your election are slighted this year by your faceless and inhuman approach to governing.

I have a proposal/comment for the American people.

During WWII our country did not continue on as usual. We planted victory gardens, bought war bonds, and put our female workforce to work. We didn't have time moan and groan over things. People took action. For those of you who didn't vote this year - shame on you. For those of you more concerned with whether or not gay people marry - shame on you. For those of you to afraid to speak out against killing - including myself on many occations - shame on you.

Conservatives are right we need to return to a nation in which there is values, shame, and consequences. However, we might just want to examine that which we should be more ashamed of.

Lesbians getting married? - Or - Innocent people dieing in Iraq?

Happy Veteran's Day

Last Man Out

Breakfast

Breakfast is as we are all told the most important meal of the day. I almost never eat breakfast, certainly not before like 10:30. A late start to eating coincides well with my lifestyle. I prefer to start the day hungry, raw, & ready for action. I would not say that I am especially a morning person; however it is often the time of the day in which I am most effective.

This morning I ate breakfast @ 7:00.

My friend Bethany and I have this great spontaneous thing we do every so often where we'll randomly get together. She of course is UeberFabulous, I am hacking flem and selfishly devouring my bagel. Yesterday after a random encounter we had morning Chai and agreed that because I did not have cash on me, only my Visa, we would have breakfast together this morning at our favorite bagel shop. Someday, I am going to have them FedEx me my bagels when I move out of the area. It is interesting that even when I eat breakfast I never order breakfast food. In fact, the thought of pancakes, eggs, bacon, cereal, etc. has the effect of making me vomit. Actually the last time I ate pancakes I totally hugged the porcelain goddess. It is too early in the morning to visit my Porcelain Queen just to eat breakfast. Breakfast is safety hazard.

Bethany probably eats breakfast everyday. But, she is far from being a goody goody. Our evil personalities click and become one. This morning was entirely enjoyable and decently adventurous considering the dangers of breakfast. Among the talk of politics, sex, religion, our love for all things Europe, and memories past is the kindred-ness I do not have the pleasure of often enough anymore. Indeed, she genuinely laughs at my jokes and I at hers. I will try not to get too smalzy, but if I was strait, I'd do her. Dave's a lucky man. Then again if I was strait there are a lot of women I would have sex with. I like big girls, and I'm not sure if that is because I'm gay or if its because they look hungry. Bethany just to be clear is not big. In fact, she puts the happy average girls on cheer squads today to shame. She is like Barbie, only proportioned, and with bendable limbs. Alas, I would rather still prefer to run off with Ken, and not the Ken's we have today, but the anatomically correct ones they used make. I want a Ken with balls.

Shame On Texas!

We have many people to thank who monitor the state of political affairs for BLGTQAIB peoples. Five points extra credit for correctly identifying all of the letters in the above acronym. I will be periodically offering extra credit points to those people who read my blog and answer my little bits of trivia. They mean nothing at the moment, however I might just come up with a reward for the top sleuth.

For those of you who do not monitor the daily gay times of internet extractions, Texas yesterday, Monday, November 8, 2004 anounced that it is proposing an amendment to the state's constitution to ban same-sex marriage. This all in the wake of last week's election in which referendums in 11 states passed to ban gay marriage and in 8 states civil-unions and domestic partnerships. Here is the list of states in which gay people are now unrecognized by the state:

1) Arkansas
2) Georgia
3) Kentucky
4) Michigan
5) Mississippi
6) Montana
7) North Dakota
8) Oklahoma
9) Ohio
10) Utah
11) Oregon

Texas aims to be number twelve. Rep. Warren Chisum Republic of Pampa, Texas who proposed the amendment is hoping to send a message to Washington that Texans support a similar amendment at the federal level. He sees gay marriage across this country as a sign of its deterioration. I see gay marriage as a sign of enlightenment.

This sentiment is commonly echoed in conservative media, particularly talk radio dominated by the Rush Limbaugh variety. I will freely admit I listen to his show. I know many of my liberal friends abhor the very mention of Mr. Limbaugh's name, however old Rushbo has become a useful demonstration and spokes person who does very much represent the current trend in politics with respect to the current Republican regime. Rush in conjunction with help from his callers often champions this new conservative revolution as the doing of alternative media sources like talk radio. Rush is of coarse the founder of it all, talent on loan from God. I am more than willing to give Rush whatever credit he claims for this revolution, indeed I think he deserves it.

His show has recently included lively discussion on the same-sex marriage debate. The conclusion of this discussion is that heterosexuals, man and woman, have a right to have an institution that is uniquely for them. Marriage for these Republicans, religious leaders, communities, and organizations is being strictly defined as the union between a man and a woman, nothing else.

President Bush has repeatedly cited that the dictionary posits that if you look up the meaning of the word marriage it will tell you that it is between a man and a woman. What Mr. Bush fails to point out is a very simple lexicographical principle: marriage as defined by which ever dictionary he used is what the word marriage meant at the time of that book's publication. What Mr. Bush fails to recognize is that gay rights people are not trying to redefine the institution of marriage, common everyday fags are doing it one couple at a time. Conservatives seem to largely ignore the real question of what exactly constitutes a marriage? A common law analysis would generously support the proposition that many gay couples are for all intensive purposes married. Traditionally, a marriage is a contract between two people, a man and a woman. Traditionally, this contact is conducted by the contracting parties through the application of a marriage license, a ceremony, and the exchange of the contractual obligations (vows). Tradition is not necessarily law unless enacted or written so, and certainly not in America, the home of free speach and freedom of expression in general.

Given that we have a certain freedom of expression in this country, more commonly understood as liberty, which is guaranteed by the 14th Amendment of the U. S. Constitution. The problem with liberty for the conservatives in our country is that it is understood, preserved, and delegated within a system of liberalism. Liberalism used here with a lower case "l" denotes not the quality of being "Liberal" as it is commonly understood, but rather the principled frame work set forth by John Locke and the founders of our country notably Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, James Madison, and Patrick Henry. On March 23, 1775 Patrick Henry said, "Give me liberty or give me death." Liberalism will always defer matters of personal freedom to the individual. When a particular policy, law, or regulation infringes, unduly, unequally, or unnecessarily, it is not in keeping with the liberal tradition that our fundamental rights as Americans rest upon, that our forefathers shed blood for. It cannot be said to be a liberal thought to limit or legislate against liberty. The limitation of expression is for a different school of thought - fascism.

It should give us pause and great concern that anyone in this country is so disposed as to limit the liberty of their neighbors when it comes to defining something as personal as marriage. We the people in this country are not constricted to the definition of marriage as laid out by any particular book, religion, or president. Marriage will for always be how each and every couple defines it for themselves. Our founders may not have supported abortion, same-sex marriage, or even the unbridled expansion of the bureaucracy; however they did stand for personal freedom or liberty. They died so that we might be free. They knew that whether they had to endure the chance that personal choices that others made in their lives directly conflicted with their own personal values that to fundamentally limit those people's freedom was a direct threat to their own freedom. That is the truth. That is the simple truth of the founding of our county: to limit the freedom or liberty of even one person was to cause irreparable harm to the whole. We still struggle with the racial issues caused by slavery and continued rampant discrimination that followed. We refused to allow black people to marry white people then, we refuse to allow same-sex attracted people to marry now. Slavery is at the very best a scar on our nation. If slavery is a scar, then the oppression of gay people is a bleeding wound.

It should be particularly offensive to Liberals today that they are charged with being Godless and amoral. Liberalism as set forth by our founders in this country is based off of a very Christian premise that all humans are created equal. We call this concept human dignity. Rep. Warren Chisum's remark that amending the Texas constitution is a biblical issue is a complete misunderstanding of what is at the core of the Christian message. Jesus said to love one another. I do not intend to take this passage out of context or to separate it from its place in scripture, however loving one another and preserving a person's inherent right to life, liberty, and property are much more closely related than legislating a particular moral belief upon a specific group of people. The bible is not merely a set of delineated instructions on exactly how one is supposed to live their life. The bible, particularly Christianity, assumes that humans have free will, freedom, over their destiny. To be a Christian you must have real choice. Whatever the merits of same-sex marriage are or are not, it should not be prevented in even the Christian sense because free will is a gift from God. Maintaining that freedom, free will, for all humans is of a particular responsibility for anyone who calls themselves a Christian. It is a far greater responsibility than righteousness on a particular issue. Especially issues so fundamentally tied to personal, individual choice like marriage.

To Summarize:

What has Texas given us?

1) Not so long ago the case Lawrence v. Texas was decided by the Supreme Court. They found in favor of a gay man, Lawrence, who was arrested and dragged from his home because he was a homosexual.

2) Texas has produced a president who champions an amendment to our U. S. Constitution that threatens to harm the fundamental rights of everyone.

3) Texas has reinforced its continued value that gay people should not be treated as equals under the law, biding to be the 12th state to discriminate unnecessarily against its citizens.

A note to Texas: equality is not defined by those on the outside looking in, but rather from those people inside looking out. Marriage equality is to be defined not by a legislature, a referendum vote, or constitutional amendment. Marriage is defined by whoever chooses to marry.

Texas, as described by its Republican representatives, would seem not to be in keeping with the fundamental American values that provide for its own continued existence as a free people. They should think twice before limiting the freedom of others. Once freedom is lost, it is even more expensive to replace. The freedom that has been fought for in years past in this country was an investment in the future of this nation for better or worse. For anyone to infringe on this freedom is to have made our forepersons have suffered in vain. It makes the suffering of our troops in Iraq inconsequential. It gives America a black eye.

Promises

Promises are perhaps the most unpromising of things. Have you ever made a promise to someone? Have you ever broken one? Fulfilled One? Have you ever been fulfilled by a promise?

Some time ago I made certain promises to myself.

1) To be honest and upfront with myself.
2) To be self-fulfilled.
3) To LOVE others.

While these three simple propositions may seem overly general, I think it is important to remember that no matter who you are - values matter. We all have values - even us secular godless liberals. From these "values" we create certain sets of behavior. These behaviors become expectations, rules, laws, regulations, etc. Thus, these values that a moment ago seemed so very harmless become very enforceable. So let us examine this proposition: if I have made promises to myself, then I have values. Also following: if I have values, then I have certain sorts of sets of behavior. In our post-modern, really post-behavioralist era, we seem to be posting a lot of things, and such is the case here. While many people in eras gone by may have created articles such as this and shared them in letter or print of some sort or another, I post here. Posting is a behavior. Posting is a value. Posting matters. Harmless Posting is very enforceable. Posting is a promise. The reader can expect that I will continue to post, to express myself, because it matters. It matters to express what you think - what values you have - to others.

Values, promises, and behaviors are not set in stone. There is no one who is perfectly consistent. Indeed, even in the typing of this meager article, I have written in many inconsistencies. Some of them I have corrected - others I have not. While perhaps I have answered the question why do we have values? The real question is why do we continue to hold the values that we do - many nearly indefinitely? To be completely honest - I do not have an answer to this question. That is as much I have said in a great deal of time.

This "blog" - God how I despise that word - "blog" - it's a horrible contraction of our age. It's the ain't of the internet age. It speaks of mindless modern chatter. I feel uneducated just saying it. I think it reduces your overall IQ. Blog. Blog. Blog. Bla. Bla. Bla. I dislike contractions in general. Contractions inevitably lead to bad grammar. Language is inadequate enough without words that really aren't words at all, but a mere short cut of two words. Yet, because the two words have become one, we are forced to treat them as one word. You have this promise from me - I will only use contractions when I'm pissed off.

the Professor asked me once, "when are you going to get pissed off enough to really do something about it?" The "it" in this phase is applicable to many areas of my life. the Professor's sentiment - while said to me regarding a particular issue at the time - is a reverberation of my general attitude. My attitude sucks. I consider myself right now to be worse than an argumentative teenager. I am generally appalled at my total lack of substance, respect, intelligence, and unlovingness that is entirely transparent to others. I am shameless in my hate, ruthless in my contempt, and reeking of indignation. I'm bitter. All of these things have a(n) value(s) beneath them. We have not even scratched the surface with respect to un-entangling this mess. However, I provide some general disclaimers to any of the unfortunate souls who find themselves reading this:


1) I will adhere to all of the promises I have made thus far.
2) I will also break each and every one of them at least once.
3) I promise to keep promising.

I am going to come out of my "shell" so to speak - That is the purpose of this "blog" in the first place. You will note that my name is "lastmanout." I am the rotten egg.

Yours truly,

LastManOut